EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
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I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors