Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
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Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
wish me luck lads
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.