Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
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I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Bit chilly again tonight.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
live long and prosper!
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I enjoy a good short stor
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…