this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
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And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.