Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
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WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Got him!
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.