I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
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[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life