This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
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Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.