YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
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little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
They did not think through this water fountain
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
oppen heimer style lol
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him