My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
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I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
❤️❤️❤️
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.