My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
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me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.