Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
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[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah