me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
You Might Also Like
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers