The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
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Vodka burrito was a success
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I never needed anything more in my life
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.