LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
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taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged