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I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
don’t we all
This did not end as expected.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people