Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
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One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
My current situation
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews