It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
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Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!