Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
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Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.