*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
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My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.