Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
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I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
? 💀
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!