Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
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The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
i love meeting boys on tinder
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.