[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
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once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt