[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
You Might Also Like
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
courtroom exchange of the day
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
(Jupiter –