SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
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I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?