*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
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Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill