Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
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One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?