cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
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Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
dutch is not a serious language
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.