I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
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If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken