no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
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Gods work.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Confused owl: What?!
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
mariah carrie
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
🙄😏😂🤣
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
estão todos miauvindo?
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now