4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
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There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
The options really are this bad
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️