Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
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[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
ACED my prostate exam!
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.