I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
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Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything