Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
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What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
This is my pinned tweet
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags