I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
You Might Also Like
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.