If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
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My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license