How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
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Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂