doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
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flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
The pasta is now
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
HR said no more nunchucks.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying