[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
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Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
North and South
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
The Sun
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
My favorite type of men is ramen.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.