Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
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You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff