What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
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I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Whoa… oh I see lol
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
seems like a niche market
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!