colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
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neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.