“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
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When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife