Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
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My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
absolute chaos
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
choose your fighter
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood