Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Word!
This is funnier than it should be. 馃槀
I think they could have phrased this better
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he鈥檚 made of money?
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Europe. Made in Germany.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 馃檪
noah: you did WHAT
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
life is a highway and I鈥檓 afraid to merge
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won鈥檛 be that bad
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.