Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
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It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
What number SPF blocks people?
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.