The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
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I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.