Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
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I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Said the murderer.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production