which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
shampoo implies shampee
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Trumpy Cat
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
What
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins