Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
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Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Become ungovernable.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.