Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
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Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”